Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
