I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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