the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
