Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
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