yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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