Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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