Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
