I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize