Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
