Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
