please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
