Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize
