I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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