i wish peter jackson would direct porn
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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