Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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