I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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