I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
