Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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