i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
