I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize