woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
