There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
