She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
