we have officially lost it.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
third nipple confirmed
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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