The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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