so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm like, not good at living.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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