K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
