I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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