he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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