see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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