All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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