I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
