so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
