yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
