I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
