Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
