Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
