Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
God, I missed his penis.
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