You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize