Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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