eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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