For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
