I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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