When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
