i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
