he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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