She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
