So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
