It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
