I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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