He disabled his match.com account in front of me
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just took my morning after pill in the library
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize