I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
