...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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