dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
