Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
