Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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