Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
