I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
