Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize