I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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