I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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