If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
