You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
