Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(765): View more from Indiana

So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today

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(317): View more from Indiana

My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack

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(303): View more from Colorado

he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper

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(937): View more from Ohio

How exactly does a handjob become fancy?

(304): View more from West Virginia

Blueberry lube, and champagne.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.

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