I accidentally burped into my bong.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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